How To: Be a Parent

Step one is the most important step, MATURITY! How can you call yourself an adult, let alone a parent, without maturity? They are the kids, not you. Act your age. The child is allowed to be immature because he/she has not had the life experience required to learn how not to be childish, but you have. So it is not okay when your children act more like parents than you do.

"You fucking ingrate! I'll take a can of paint and throw it all over that fucking room! Including the bed!"

Gee, thanks dad. Great to know that not only do you appreciate how much work and money you put into that room, but you also know how to contain your temper and act rationally. There are other quotes, ones that hurt worse. Blaming a child for everything, always having to have the last word (a distinct sign of immaturity), and refusing to ever own up to your mistakes are all things a parent should never do. Because they are immature and petty. As is stomping off in a sulk and slamming the door so hard it breaks. Extract yourself from the situation if you feel yourself getting furious before you do something you regret. Like make your children cry. Or make them hate you.

The second step is tact. Yes, know what to say and when to say it. But most of all, learn what not to say. Sometimes, jokes are stupid and they hurt. For example, calling your children fat, even when meant in jest, really hurts. And with all the times you casually insult them, let them know just how disappointed you are with them and your life, and tell them any of the mean jokes that you think are funny, you wonder why they hate having to listen. You wonder why they give the impression of hating you.

Can I let you in on a little secret? THEY DO. Bit of a newsflash for you? You want to know why?

"You weigh a hundred and fifty pounds?! Wow, that's a lot!" he says, with his mouth hanging out open in shock as his daughter runs to hug her mother, close to tears.

"You know, sometimes I wish you girls could do something right for a change," he says in the middle of a fight, and his daughters' sobs become louder and more filled with pain.

"Are you happy now, you stupid girl?!" he says after upending the dining room table. It is directed a young teenaged girl, his daughter, who is crouched and sobbing.

These are most definitely not the only ones, nor are they the worst. And you wonder why your children have no self esteem.

The third step is patience. Children are impatient, but that's okay. Because they are children. Because they haven't had the time to grow as people. Patience is a part of maturity. And it a crucial thing to have when raising children.

They will take a long time, they will demand your attention, they will spill things, they will repeatedly misbehave or misunderstand, they will refuse to listen, they will throw temper tantrums, they will interrupt, they will whine, they will yell, they will scream, they will beg, they will slam, they will have attitudes, and they will do any number of other things to upset you. Get used to it. Get over it. Have patience with them, or they will resent you in the long run. Believe me. Especially when you are already in a bad mood, and therefore get impatient with them three times as quickly. Kids of any age require patience. Even at the ripe old age of 17.

The third step is self-control. This, also, is one the most important steps. Being unable to control your temper leads to lack of tact, which leads to children who are emotionally scarred and have a complex because you told them you don't love them in a fit of rage. See above step regarding why tact is important. But that's not the only thing a short temper results in. It also results in violence and a family and friends who think you are dangerous. It results in broken doors, upended furniture, and a dog cowering in his kennel in fear. This type of self-control is one of the most important kinds, but it's not the only one.

Another type of self-control is control of your vices. Specifically, things like smoking, drinking, and doing drugs of any kind. They are a bad influence on your children. Either the child will want to be just like daddy and steal a beer or two or five or will grow to so hate the substance that they make sweeping assumptions about anyone who drinks or smokes anything, even when it really is harmless fun.

The worst of these, in my experience, unless the drug is something like heroin, is alcohol. Alcohol changes people. When a parent drinks, they are immature, angry, they have no tact, no patience, no ambition, and they are lazy and will do nothing for their children. If you are to have children, control yourself when it comes to these things. Or you will be sorry. Because no child likes to have a drunk embarrassment of a father.

And if you are the spouse of a parent with a vice he cannot control, do not make excuses. Because then your children will resent you too. A drunk is always inexcusable.

Lastly, support your children. Your kids will be extremely hurt to learn that you have no desire to see their school play, go to their chorus concert, or see their game. They will be extremely upset to know that you have no interest in how good their test grade is, what their teachers will say about them, or what their dreams are. And even if those dreams are completely ridiculous, or even just unlikely, you must support them. And you must believe in them, or at least pretend to. Because if you don't, they won't believe in themselves.

You do not have to follow these steps. But just know that if you do not, you should not expect much love, affection, or respect from your children. Because these things are privileges, not rights. And you haven't earned them.

Just as an aside to the parent this is directed to, I'm very glad you saw that letter. I hope you read all of it. I wish it had opened your eyes a little. I only wish you cared enough to read this. But then again, you are so delusional, you probably wouldn't even know it's about you.